माणुसघाण्या That’s what my mom named me when we were having the same conversation as follow,
Lately, I am feeling…I am feeling calm, complete, comfortable, and friendly with me, my thoughts, my body, my overall existence! I feel I know me more and know what I could ask for next or what could I easily let go now ….I can survive with or without anyone …and anyone means who were closed or who are closed…As now I talk to people .i don’t feel that entitlement that I should have a real connection or if we were used to having then I don’t feel to continue the same as I am more insecure now exposing all entries to my fort and let these other entities crush my walls I build all these years around my heart.
In Solitude, I don’t have to think….. I don’t have to think
about other’s feelings, happiness, sadness, and opinions about me for that matter. I don’t have to live at any expectation. I don’t have to listen or act like I am
listening; I don’t have to take a ton of decomposable burden to solve each problem of others …whether I got mine or not in any case!
I don’t have to worry about expressing myself through my art whether that may m=be my poems or drawings. I don’t have to ask anyone how I am looking in a specific picture in which posed the way I was feeling at that point! I don’t have to take permission before posting on my Instagram or WhatsApp profile (Yes, I used to do that! I was that dependable I can’t imagine!)
I don’t have to cancel my travel plan just because someone stepped back! I don’t have to change my itinerary just because they prefer sunsets more than sunrise…I don’t have to rush to reach a destination instead of enjoying the real journey….I can complete my book just sitting on the seashore feeling sand under my feet. I don’t have to pretend that I am enjoying the company where all I wanted a romantic moment between the place and me!
From that, I even have the reason why I being so expressive to you …Because here I am not forcing someone to listen to me… I don’t have to put filter just to sound logical and not myself… I don’t want to be dependent on the person and after a certain point feel so much empty that I start blame game! And ending apologizing other…
So Long story short, after this quarantine i feel I will be more changed considering my old habits related to my relations with other entities. Because I have understood the fact that you don’t miss people but you miss how they made you feel …then that feeling may be special, being loved, being unique or anything….for now onwards i will be trying to be self-sufficient!
Or as my mom said I will be माणुसघाण्या…what if that’s my thing!